Humble

Pray to be humble
so that God does not have to appear to be so stingy.
O pray to be honest, strong, kind, and pure,
so that the Beloved is never
miscast as a cruel great miser.
I know you have a hundred complex cases
against God in court,
but never mind, wayfarer,
let’s just get out of this mess
and pray to be loving and humble
so that the Friend
will be forced to reveal
Himself so near.
– Hafiz

Oh anxiety dreams, you sneaky little bastards.

This week I started seriously researching PhD programs again in anticipation of the glut of applications I will write come next month (holy shit). Although I have a standing offer from the GTU at Berkeley, I’m widening my net this year to truly weigh all of my options and feel assured in my decision when it comes (a place I for sure was not last year and a major impetus for this “break” year/blog/whatever I’m doing).

On top of that I got rejected from a job I thought I was perfect for, and I wrote a whiney post about it and drank some gin. And then I deleted that post.

Because you know what?

I hate whining. I hate it. I get that it sucks, and I get that I felt shitty, but gah – enough.

This is the cycle that’s hardest for me to break, but I have to make it happen. Everyday.

As cheesy as that sounds, it’s the reality. I have to return to my best self, return to my mat, return to my peace, return to my very positive reality – and just accept that I’ll never be rich or pay off those student loans magically.

All of what is, is okay. It’s not that pretty, and I have more questions than answers. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, so I need to stop treating perfection as an available outcome.

But I can still do a lot of things. I can run very slowly. I can find a GIF for anything. I can do middle splits. I can do my job well. I can dream big. I can pray to be loving and humble.

And with that, I can try in all things to do what I can, where I’m at, with what I have.

***

Thanks to CarmenLeah for the Hafiz!

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