What No Longer Serves

There’s a mantra in yoga: let go of what no longer serves you. Almost every teacher I’ve had uses a variation on this theme.

It often reminds me to let my mind be nimble, to let go of old habits, anxiety, fear, or over-analysis.

What I’ve been struggling with lately is knowing when to let bigger stuff “go.”

I’ve always been an active dreamer. Overly active, in fact. From night terrors as a kid to some pretty epic sleepwalking stories, sleeping is not often fully restful for me.

It’s like the Mitch Hedberg sketch: Dreaming is supposed to be restful! Now I have to build a go-cart with my landlord?!?

Lately, my normally vivid, laughable dreams (oh, everyone transformed into Serta sheep but me? Fun!) have taken some dark turns.

Maybe it’s losing a friend so young and so quickly. Kristin’s death is still unbelievable most days, and I often use the oh-so-comfy denial.

Yet over the last few weeks, as my dreams have slowly killed off most everyone I know and love, I’m struggling with how to “let that go.” Or really, how to grieve.

I know that the pain of it won’t stop soon, and that it will always be an awkward, confusing dance between the happy feelings of the rambunctious woman I knew and the fact that she’s really not here anymore.

Most times, in yoga, when asked to think on “letting go” I do think of Kristin. As an aspiring yoga teacher, she often reminded me to let go of hesitation, doubts and body worries programmed into those of us of the female persuasion.

Those memories bolster me, make me feel like I understand, at least a little.

Then my head hits the pillow and the carousel of oddities returns. Intellectually, I know that these weird dreams don’t serve me at all. Perhaps, however, they are pointing toward what I still don’t understand and need to learn to accept.

***

“Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings. Move within,
But don’t move the way fear makes you move…

What you seek is seeking you.”

~Rumi~

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One thought on “What No Longer Serves

  1. In my experience with death, and I’ve been surrounded by it for quite some time, it’s become easier for me to learn of news that someone has passed. And what I mean by that, is that in most cases, it is not too shocking for me when I learn that news. However, when the time comes for that news to be of somebody that I am close with, I really do not know how I will react. In my opinion, death is one of those things in life (turn of words there?!) that is ultimate – but processing the feelings behind it varies.

    I am truly sorry that you lost a friend that was dear to you. It is never easy to comprehend why. And instead of focusing on that, you’ve turned it into a positive learning experience. That is really all there is any of us can do when faced with this kind of event. Keep on writing! I love reading your posts!

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